i am a Dandelion. i am forever wild.

I find myself pulling in again.
No appetite, No words.
No feelings aside from ones I wish to push out.
I can’t look past what I shouldn’t want.
A new year, and I’m already embracing Neil Gaiman’s message and making mistakes. Plenty of them.
But they’re the wrong kind. They aren’t toward anything new.
I’m lost. I’m sad.
It’s words trapped within me. Feelings I can’t shake. Memories I can’t leave behind.
I was doing well, and I messed it up.
I thought leaving home would make me feel better in a way. Running away, escapism. But it didn’t work like that. Instead, coming back to school made it settled in.
I just want something different. I thought this year was going to do it for me…. I thought I could do it. But already, not so much.
How can it still hurt? It’s been years at this point. It’s ridiculous that there’s still this shadow over me.
I’ve been spiraling for days.
I want to get incredibly drunk all alone and cry for a day.

This is not the life I want to be living.
But, the one I want is impossible. Oh well.

I swore to myself I was going to be better. This is not me being better.