I have this strange, unfounded belief that if I actually survive from now until New Years, I will be free of everything.
I am also well aware of the feeling that it is not intuition, it’s just silliness. And that it will be quite different.
I know it will not be some switch that turns my life back on.
I will not be magically over or unhurt by my ex.
I will not know what I want.
I will not stop wanting the wrong things.
I will not suddenly have better academic habits.
I will not understand everything I need to, or be comforted in ways I have been missing.
I will not all of a sudden be meaningful.
I will not stop feeling needy when it comes to certain things and certain people.
I will not be invincible.
I will not lose the parts of me that feel foolish and pathetic.
But I will be done with this semester. I will hopefully have faced and accepted that no, the world I believed in was not trying to tell me I was supposed to end up with him. I will stop chasing useless and meaningless things.
At New Years, I will get my hair cut (well, at least trimmed), I will start a new journal. I will keep going.
Less than a month to go.
